Grief Deserves No Analysis

But I believe through grief we become us again

Photo by ft shafi on Unsplash

I have fairly vivid memories from my childhood of feeling intense sadness each time people who were visiting us at our home would leave. Particularly my grandparents, who lived only 15 min away. I saw them often, yet, each time I had to let them go I felt an intense sadness and longing for their presence. It felt like a little mini loss every dam time. Grandma would smile at my tear filled eyes and assure me she would see me soon. Grandpa would giggle with his soft eyes at my own soft nature. And I would imagine the next bumpy pasture ride on the hunt for wild flowers or arrow heads with him the next time I visited the farm. Thinking about the mean geese and hoping those jerks stayed a way from the house.

I am standing there on the side gravel driveway next to the lilac tress that left a soft protective scent around our yard. In my periphery I can see the massive peonies and hollyhocks. The two story house is tall and seems immense to me as a child (it is actually small). It is very possible the jean pants I can feel, in my now memory, were those of my fathers. I was a bit timid as far as I can recall. (Until I got to know you….same as now). So I hid, hooked to the jean leg, peering out with tears in my eyes.

At some point that stopped. Because for some reason decided it was unacceptable to show that much love and emotion. I choked it down instead.

I think all of our suppressed micro-moments of grief lead us far astray from who we really are and then when the time comes where we have to grieve something that is a very big loss, we don’t know how to, at all.

We are meant to feel things, not carry things.

Our bodies are extremely intelligent and have a genius capability of letting emotions move through us. Yet, we grip them, we stuff them down, we deny them, we avoid them. And we are constantly complimented for being “such a strong person”.

I have zero doubt that the real flex is feeling them and letting them pass through in the genius way our bodies are created for. Historically as an adult, I was famous for pushing emotions down and not allowing myself to feel them. I hated it when people could see my pain.

So, I have taught myself a new way. Or I suppose it isn’t new, but rather a remembering of how to…….I breath and I soften, and instead of holding it, grief moves me and moves. This really does take concentration and practice.

Over the last 3 years I have intentionally been practicing softening my body and breathing slow deliberate breathes (rather than tensing my body and holding my breath), when a strong emotion arises. Because the moment I tense up, stop breathing and choke down emotions, I can tell I am holding onto them for dear life. When I stop breathing and my body becomes like a brick.

It is as if someone has handed me the last brick needed to build a beautiful house but I don’t want to let it out of my grip for the house to be portrayed in its beauty. I know….why would anyone do that?

Why do we want to possess, rather than process our emotions? Why do we keep them secret and hidden and throw away the key and lock them inside forever? Why can’t we just look them right in the face and say hi…..and soften to the process….because really the body’s wisdom to process is genius.

But it is as if we want to hold on to emotions and to not let them go because if we do……..we have to grieve. We have to admit something that isn’t easy to face. and I kind of think that releasing an emotion is loss too. A good loss I think. But we want to keep them safe in our house and never let the wind take them. I think tough, it is time to allow ourselves to feel the wind on our faces and let go….xoxoxoxo

Family Grief

My sister texted me today sharing that she loved my Moose Article I wrote. I told her I was feeling uninspired about what to write about next, but felt a calling to keep writing. She said “what about grief”. So it began.

(I have permission from her to share)

She was telling me that she has trouble with loss. With grief. And asked her if she could share with me why, and she went right into the story of our “little brother”.

When we were both in our early 30’s our family experienced multiple losses on the same day. One in particular was a truly tragic loss. We lost someone who was like a brother to us that day and on that same day our aunt passed away from Cancer. It was really shocking and hard on us all, but her (and my momma), in particular it seems. And for good reason.

Our “little brother” really suffered with his identity and mental health. He was a character. I can’t imagine his face without hearing his aggressive laugh and how he so often projectile spit when he would laugh hysterically loud at something really inappropriate. Obviously we joined in on his demented humor. It was one of his best qualities if you ask me. I think he sought out connection and belonging at my parents house and around us well behaved, secret misfits. My mom always welcomed the people in who were suffering. She has as soft spot for people who are in emotional turmoil. I love that about her.

I think the trouble with loss and grief is that it causes you to have to make the decision (or not) to face wounds, shadows and other things about yourself that you have been denying, suppressing or even afraid of. Even the good bits, the great bits. You know, that little one inside of you that loved to dance, act silly, cry at missing your grandparents, create and laugh hysterically before someone told you that you were too much.

But when you do face that person that needs to truly grieve, you become you again.

The true essence of who you really are.

You soften into the inner child again.

You begin to dance and act silly and open your heart to love again.

Your body literally softens and you feel like a river is running through you once again. It makes you want to swim again……….

You no longer care that your feet are grimy from walking barefoot, you have a chunk of chocolate hanging on the bottom corner of your lip, and your more than willing to spit while you laugh hysterically at an inappropriate fart sound.

When asking my sister a few questions about her relationship with grief and loss, what I noticed was she was in her mind. She was analyzing how she could have done things different mainly. Reporting that, then the loss wouldn’t have occurred. And that may be true, but I suspect she would still have trouble with grief and loss. I won’t claim to know her better than she knows herself, but I do get to witness her in a way that she may not be able to witness herself. She is intelligent, always has been. But she has also spent many moments in her life being angry at her body. (Me too, I get it).

I think we are similar in that way. It is so much easier for us both to be in the intelligence of our minds, than that of our bodies. It isn’t an easy task, after a lifetime of being trained by all of society to ignore the intelligence of our bodies, our intuition and simply feeling our emotions.

I don’t think grief is simple. But breathing is. You already know how to do that. Go deeper. Softening your grip could be. Give it a try.

Use your mind and brain to teach yourself to feel. When you can sense the tension and gripping in your body….remind yourself to breath…..soften…breath….no analysis……just deep breathing and softening of your body. And what is meant to come up will.

Grief is fascinating to me

I think a lot about what grief really is. Is it the definition we think? I did go look it up in the regular dictionaries and I was underwhelmed. I think it is way more unique and complex than described.

I think one of the better things I have done for myself during the process of relearning how to feel and feel grief in particular, was to NOT name where it was coming from.

I can imagine most people getting to the place where they actually can feel grief or some emotion arising in their body and the FIRST thing they want to do is use their mind to explain where or what it is from. I have seen this over and over with many clients who have had energy healing sessions done with me in the past.

This need to KNOW! But almost always that need to know ends the process of the grief (emotion) moving through the body. Which then causes you to stay in your story rather than processing and moving through it with the intelligence of your body.

Like I said….grief is not simple. And it definitely isn’t linear. And we probably can’t (and likely shouldn’t) dig into a place within us and force ourselves to grieve a memory or moment or event.

But I am convinced that if we soften when we feel grief rising up in our bodies, and keep the practice out of analysis and instead a simple felt process, with just breathing and feeling it and noticing how it moves through you, you will return to more of who you really are……soft, loving, creative.

Before we became who we were told to be.

So….breath….soften…..let the grief move you towards your becoming.

Love Paula